10 Pitfalls About Interracial Relationships


Interracial Love I should start off with an apology at the negative tone of this post’s title; but I believe that people should know the negatives upfront, get past them (if they want to) and then go on to pursue their dreams.

I love sharing my experiences and opinions with others (hence why I’m a blogger). Dating interracially is one of the topics I have no issues talking about. However, in the past 24 hours, I was censored from another blog that focused on interracial realtionships — specifically Black women who date interracially — because of my comments regarding White and Black men and the disparity in their penis size (which is ultimately a non-issue: read on, and you’ll see why). Rather than focus on blogging about this fruitless subject, I began to think about why these are such hotbed topics to begin with. Why is it, on the heels of 2012, are we so fascinated with racial distinctiveness, yet not interested at all in what unites us? And what unites us…as human beings…is the longing to find a mate, and be fully accepted by them.

Unfortunately the “battle for love” is one that is fought among people of all persuasions. With a divorce rate of well over one-third, we all have a lot on our plate when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship. But still, interracial romantic relationships present a whole new set of challenges. Here are ten of them…and this list is far from being exhaustive.

#1 – Yourself. When you enter into an interracial relationship, you have to sit down, and make an honest assessment of yourself. Do you have the strength, courage, tenacity, and patience to deal with the issues that being in an interracial relationship poses? Can you deal with the criticism from your family? If you family is accepting, can you deal with the disdain from the public? What about your co-workers? Do you have it in you to be an “educator” or a “token” of diversity?

In all honesty, some people deal with this splendidly. They do not care about what other people think about them and they are not deterred if no one (or if only a few) around them are doing what they are doing. But some people are just the opposite. And that is ok. But you have to know what type of person you are; you have to know what your social limitations are, before you can consider dating interracially.

#2 – Family. Without a doubt, the impact of family on your relationship has a lot to do with the emotional independence of the couple. Many people could simply care less about what their parents or family think about their life choices. But many people do. Thankfully, in my experience, most families are at least quietly tolerant of interracial relationships. They may not like it, but most parents aren’t disowning their children over it. But they may feel alienated and not connected to your significant other. If this is the case, take the high road and be polite, kind and thoughtful. Don’t give them any “weapons” to use against you. But maintain that you should be respected. If there is any disrespect, then cut your losses. You are in a relationship with a person…not a family. Just make sure that your significant other is supporting you unabashedly when their family is in the wrong. If not, then it may be a warning sign. You don’t want to end up like that chick that was calling Dr. Laura.

#3 – The Public. This one is tricky and multifaceted. On one hand, you have absolutely no control or influence over how strangers treat you. If you go out with your significant other, be prepared for at least one grossly ignorant comment shot your way at least once per month. I usually choose to ignore such people. However under no circumstances do I shrink away from my status. So when people say, “Oh are you his girlfriend?” with a raised eyebrow, I don’t hesitate to answer in the affirmative. Shirking away from your lover in public is disrespectful on so many levels!

#4 – The Minority Community. I was tempted to put “The Black Community” there, but these issues are not unique to White/Black couplings. Sadly, the minority community will label those who date outside of their race as “sellouts”. This makes no sense, but many people still hold on to this. In a nutshell, just because someone chooses to date outside their race, does not mean that they hate themselves or others from their own community.

From a personal perspective, I never saw interracial relationships as problematic…in spite of having grown up in a place and time where it was relatively rare (although this is, thankfully, no longer the case). Although I didn’t understand the details of it, my father’s mother was of South Asian decent: her parents were Bengalis who came to Jamaica as indentured servants. They had 7 children and only 2 of those 7 married other South Asians. The rest, including my grandmother, married and had children with Black Jamaican men. No one demonized my grandmother for this, because she was born and raised in a country where 90% of the population was Black. Here in the United States, yes, we are blessed to have a diverse society with large, vibrant communities of different cultures. The downside to that however is people grow to believe that in order to insure the survival of your culture or community, you have to marry only within that particular community.

#5 – Other Interracial Couples. Now this is an interesting (and surprising) one. 5 years ago, I automatically saw anyone else who was dating interracially as my ally…or at least a kindred spirit. I no longer think this way by default. While I’m not sure if this is bred by jealously or insecurity, the end result is ongoing challenges to the integrity of your own relationship.

I’ve seen this in all sorts of incarnations. Other Black women who date interracially (including my BF’s ex), seem quick to make judgement calls on the quality of our relationship (in spite of having very limited information available). Many websites and blogs that seem to celebrate interracial relationships are really just a front to perpetuate very narrow views on why interracial relationships are “ideal”, “preferred” or “superior”. Well at the end of the day, no romantic relationship, interracial or not, is the same. People who imply this, usually have serious issues with my next pitfall.

#6 – Stereotypes. In regular conversation, I’ve been known to freely state that “I hate stereotypes”. Well this is not untrue…but it also doesn’t tell the entire story. You see, stereotypes do have some basis in fact. That “fact” can be concrete, or not so concrete. In addition, stereotypes must exist in that they are important in regards to social learning and the assessment of others. So what I really have an issue with is the improper application and use of stereotypes.

If you are in an interracial relationship, you cannot discount the power of stereotypes. Even if you yourself do not put a lot of weight on them, others around you do. You have to accept this, and you also have to decide how much weight that you personally will place on these stereotypes perpetuated by others…whether they be true or untrue. For example, there is the stereotype out there that Asian women are submissive and obedient. Now an interracial couple that includes an Asian woman has a fight on their hands no matter what in this regard; because if the woman is not the submissive and obedient type, then they have to decide how much effort (if any) they are going to put into combating this stereotype. If the woman is in fact submissive and obedient by nature, then they are going to have to fight for the legitimacy of their relationship in that it means more to them than just a man trying to get a woman who will obey him.

In addition, do not buy into disparaging stereotypical comments made about yourself or your relationship either. Statements like “Oh, she’s the type that would date Black men.” or “You’re the type of Black woman that White men wouldn’t like.” is just projected negativity. People who make such statements have some sort of issue with other people being happy, even though it is masked as “wisdom” and advice. Everyone has the right to the pursuit of happiness, and also to be free to define what “happiness” means to them!

Interracial couples also have to examine the stereotypes that they hold between each other. Did you hook up with a Black man because of his sexual prowess? Are you dating Asian men because you want smart children? Both notions are incredibly foolish and dismissive of the deep and true qualities of romantic relationships. Which leads me to my next pitfall…

#7 – Fetish vs. Attraction. Yes, this is a very real and touchy issue. Today’s society is a “pick and choose” type of place where we are use to having lots of options. Well this type of attitude does not translate very well over into the romantic arena, and yet, many people approach their love life like shopping in a mall. When you are dating, it is especially important to determine how the other person sees you. Are you being seen as a potential mate, or as this person’s next adventure?

A tell-tale sign of this is if the person is reluctant to bring you around family and friends; or only willing to see you under certain circumstances. But I also think it is fair to not confuse a fetish with genuine attraction. While society may push out an “ideal” in regards to physical beauty, the truth of the matter is, we all have our own individual preferences. A White man who hangs up a picture of Pamela Anderson is not accused of having a fetish for buxom blondes. Likewise, a man that has a preference for the body and features of Black women shouldn’t be labeled as having a fetish or of being shallow. This goes for anyone. It is sad that we are still not free to be honest and say “Hey, I like ____” because of social stigmas. Acknowledging and loving the differences between us is not fetishism. We are not just souls floating around; we are a package of bodies and souls. While it sound utopic to just “focus on what’s on the inside”…that is just not reality. We shouldn’t pretend like it is either.

So the bottom line is you are free to like what you like. You are an individual, so lust over your well-endowed Black man, or thin, golden-locked blonde bombshell. But at the end of the day, you cannot base an entire relationship on physical qualities. You don’t have to deny that you like them…but real love goes much deeper than that.

#8 – Educating. If you are in an interracial relationship for the first time, or your partner is, prepare yourself for a steep social learning curve. It can easily be overcome…if the two of you are open-minded and honest with yourselves. You also have to know when and when not to take things personally. Ignorance is not an excuse for insensitivity. Take Black women’s hair for instance. There is no need to “call out” and make statements about the things that we do to our hair. Just like there is no need to “call out” you mother or grandmother for dying her hair. Keep things in perspective. Think about your partner as yourself for a moment. How would you liked to be asked about your body…your heritage…and your customs? If you honestly don’t know, then tell your partner this. Make it a point to be sensitive…but also make it a point to learn.

Even if you significant other is comfortable with an interracial relationship and has previous experience with one, you still are not off the hook. Other people will ask you “Why” a lot. I’m not in the habit of explaining my actions to others; but I do like to use examples and analogies. The truth is interracial dating may not be all the rage, but it is not rare either. Many famous people date interracially and have long-standing, successful relationships. Sometimes people just need to understand that you are not a trailblazer; that their own limited experience does not translate over into what society is really like.

#9 – Making a Statement. For what its worth, I’m very much against highlighting interracial relationships as a way to make some sort of social, economic, or political statement. To me, love is love. You are blessed whenever you have someone to love you — no matter what their color may be! Beyond that, the rest is just commentary. However that is just me. Like I mentioned previously, you have no control on what others think or do; and most likely, many will assume that your choice to date interracially is the result of some sort of ulterior motive on your behalf.

Well I’m not going to lie, and say that this isn’t true in regards to some interracial relationships and people who date interracially. But you can’t be bothered with every interracial relationship…you have to stay focused on yours. Only you, and hopefully your partner, know the true nature and motivation of your relationship. From there, do you best to live it out…both publicly and privately. But be forewarned, if you are dating interracially to make some sort of statement, then you are providing a disservice to your significant other and your relationship. It won’t take long for them to realize that they are just a pawn, and one day, the game will come to an end. So keep that in mind. Focus on the interior…on your life, and the home you are building with your mate; THEN worry about public perceptions.

#10 – Know Your Ultimate Desires. What do you want from a romantic relationship and how does dating interracially contribute to that? It sounds like a “duh” question…but it really is quite deep. For example, you may love the excitement of having sex with a Black woman; but you would be uncomfortable fathering biracial children. You may have no problem dating non-Christian men, but ultimately, you want to get married in a church and raise Christian children. So you have to be realistic. What issues are you willing to compromise on and deal with in the long term?

And the sooner you do this, the better. Trust me, it is pretty devastating to date someone for a year or two, only to have them “admit” to you that they can’t envision having children with you. A big reason why relationships (not just interracial ones) fail is because of not sharing the same goal…or being on “different pages” so to speak. If you don’t know what you want, then no one else does either. And when you know what you want, be sure to communicate that with your partner so that they can determine if the two of you want the same things.

So on that note, I’m going to finish up with a segment from The View where they discuss interracial relationships. It goes without saying that I totally agree with Whoopi here; and that Sherri presents an example of some of the negative feelings that get projected out from the minority community.

Real estate professional with an MBA in Marketing ~ writer and multiculturalist.
  • Michaela Coel

    Thanks for this, very insightful and intelligently put.
    I agree with you completely; that we are blessed to have someone that loves us regardless of their race. It’s nice to hear a different viewpoint other than the usual which tends to be something along the lines of “date white men, they don’t mind if you wear a headscarf to bed”.

    Thanks again

    • Thank you Michaela; I’m glad you enjoyed!

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  • I respect that different people take away different things from similar experiences, and I’m not trying to be argumentative.  Still, it’s interesting to me that my wife and I are of different ethnicity, and we’ve never experienced any of these issues.  I essentially never even think about this stuff — I only even read this article because I was on your site reading something else, saw the link, and thought, “Huh? What pitfalls?”  Are we so unusual?

    • The pitfalls exist mainly because of others and the underlying racism of our society. It is not because interracial relationships are wrong or strange. But those who engage should be made aware of the possible reactions from others. For many people, what others say or feel do not matter. But for others, they may not be willing to put up with the extra strife for the sake of a romantic relationship.

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  • Input

    I admit that I get very annoyed at those who use interracial relationships to elevate themselves like they are more open-minded than anybody else. I’m an Asian woman and I get this all the time from Asian woman that only date white men. I mean, how can they be more open-minded when they make great efforts to specifically date white men only? They’ll never admit that in addition to common problems that happen in any relationship, some issues might actually stem from their different ethnic background. I guess by admitting that their differences can actually raise problems (where it may not occur in same-race couples), they fear traitorous to their own interracial relationships. That kind of immaturity raises my blood pressure. Why can’t they just be honest about the “pitfalls” as this article points out. There is nothing demeaning to point them out as long as you know how to avoid them. Of course, maybe they’re not telling the whole truth. Maybe there are no problems stemming from racial differences because these women have completely abandoned their Asian-ness in order to fit in with their white mate, which would be shockingly sad if found to be true. When these people gloss over the challenges that can happen in an interracial relationship, they are only doing themselves a disservice. Their relationship is no longer an honest one but fall under pitfall #9. And I am seriously irritated how they berate Asian men, seeing as I am married to one and am perfectly happy.  

    • Thank you for your comment, you make some great points!

    • Nasir

      Racism exists because we’re not educated about each other, you think you know, but until you’ve spent serious time with multiple people of another race you will never truly be educated on who they are.

      • john

        i dont think racism is only about education its more about what other people think about it,humans influnce each other so we are expected to follow the norm in most societies.its also about our own fear as to something we cant identify or relate ourselves too, once we have conquered that fear the beauty of two people in love of differrent races has no depth

    • IAmaVegetarian

      I agree with you. I am tired of people doing interracial dating for the sake of it, and then going on about how open-minded they are. I also don’t like how people label those who aren’t interested as bigots and prejudiced people because they prefer their own ethnic group.

      • I completely agree – thanks for taking the time to stop by and share your thoughts! 🙂

    • Amanda

      Are these Asians adopted by white parents or were they raised by Asian parents?

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  • Lorena González

    I realize this is an old post, but as I’m in a interracial/intercultural relationship for the first time it called my attention. I’m thinking of an extra issue for Asian and Hispanic minorities: language barrier. Right now I’m thinking my mom would love my white boy, but then I think: how would they get to really know each other if they don’t speak the same language?

    • That’s ok Lorena; one of the “blessings” of the internet is that once you put something out there, it is available for a long time! I thought a bit about your comment, and in all honesty, I do not have any advice since I’ve never been in that situation. However during my pregnancy, I noticed a lot of discussions on parenting boards about language issues at home, between in-laws, and in child rearing. It didn’t take long for me to find one of these threads (one is here: http://www.whattoexpect.com/forums/blended-and-multicultural-families/topic/language-barrier.html ). Reading through some of these message boards may be of some help and offer some guidance. It may also help to bring the subject up to your mom as a ‘what if’ scenario, and hear from her directly what her thoughts are.

  • Ettiene

    The caribean coastal cities in Cuba, Colombia, Venezuela and Brazil have, for centuries, been immigrant havens with a great variety of ethnical mixes. Because of such, the cultural background in these societies blurrs out the racial distictions to be made when it comes to interracial relationships and their offspring. The complicated issues arising from such relationships are mostly based on ignorance, not only from those outside the relationship, but from those very same people involved in it. If the relationship is sexually based, no matter how it may be approached, it is bound to fail as any other relationship would. But two intelligent beings who are attracted to each other based on sexually secure personalities and natural mutual trust will outlast anything that comes their way. Acquaintances, friends and relatives of these couple tend to be mature and intelligent enough to have no issues with it. Interracial couples who share a cultural and educational background have a much better relationship than those who only share a sexual attraction, because sex is limited to the physical, whereas culture and education encompasses everything.

  • beige

    You didn’t finish your thought, why is penis size a non-issue?

    • Because in the grand scheme of things…it doesn’t really matter.

      • JayinNC

        I have to say my x-wife got into a relationship with a black man because a friend of hers said the rumors were true about size and even said that black men emitted more during orgasm. So she was curious and started dating black men at 39 years old for the first time. All of her boyfriends the last 5 years have been black now. So those rumors did get her to try it. So these rumors of size and emission amount are not true?

        • I’m not implying that such rumors are completely untrue (see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/penis-map_n_3953318.html – there may be something behind these notions). What I am saying is that there is far too much importance placed on physical characteristics. That psychological components can be just as important if not more so. The bond between two people is important, and this bond can be enhanced by cultural similarities. It can also be enhanced by a “fetish factor” for a different culture that one may find appealing (for better or for worse).

          • JayinNC

            That was a quick response Rishona! The strange thing about my x-wife is that she never had an attraction for black men. Then she tries it and is all the sudden hooked. Then I hear her say the rumors are true and that the emissions thing-that I have never heard before. Anyway came across this article just trying to understand her-thanks for you time. Jay

          • JayinNC

            One more thing. I always hear about the black man’s prowess especially from my x-wife. Coming from a white man who has never been with black women does a black women have some superior differences is size down there? Are their bodies different also like I hear all the white women saying about black men? I never hear that brought up, always the other way around. Sorry for commenting on such an old article but everything you wrote made so much sense in regards to my situation. Thanks, Jay

          • In regards to Black women, I would say that physically they are comparable to White women. Our bodies come in all shapes and sizes. 🙂

          • JayinNC

            OK fair enough. I was just wondering why all the talk about black men down there and never black women. If all this is just rumor someone sure started a great rumor that I have been hearing about since I was a kid:-)

          • JayinNC

            It is just hard to confront her when she says these things because I am sure not going to sleep with a black man to find out if it is true. If she says these things are true then so be it. It just seems that every time we see each this comes up. Have a good day and thanks for the article.

          • jovent

            On average Black men are bigger but the differences aren’t that significant. The average black man is 7 inches. The average white man is 6 inches and the average Asian man is 5 inches.

          • Tina Brown

            No, black women’s bodies are no different than any other race.

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  • lerato

    Thanks for the post. Very positive.

  • Candice Frances Hernandez

    I believe this article helped me understand, why people think and say hurtful things about other cultrues. Eventhough it is not talked about, the stigma still exists. I can relate the most to #3. Either if we go on date night to the rich caucasion side of town, or to the cheap hispanic side of town there are always rude comments. I thought I was imagining it all, but now I know someone else can relate. And i do not have to care what others do or think. Thanks for the advice!

    • Very true Candice – thanks for the compliments and for stopping by! 🙂

  • guest

    Loved this article! My fiance and I are in an IR relationship in South Florida, I’m black he’s white and we’ve been pretty lucky. The only time people have ever approached us in our 2 years was to say something nice. My friend’s sister in law is black and has a mixed baby. When my friend visited her in Texas, someone approached them at a restaurant to tell her that she “ruined her daughter’s life by mix breeding”. I honestly hope that my guy and I will keep it together and tell the horrible woman to have a goodnight like my friend’s SIL did. Jeez.

  • Mark

    Very well written! I have a daughter who has decided to date an African American. I was raised in South Central Los Angeles. I was raised alongside blacks. When I was in the service, two of my closest friends were black. So there is no ignorance in regards to the race. Since we have been defined as a race of Hispanics, (Still can’t find Hispania on the globe..). I admit that we have more than our share of ignorance and justified stereotypes.
    I feel so strongly against this issue that I have decided to disown my child. I say that with nothing less than a tragic sense of heartbreak. I love her deeply. She is my eldest and we had a relationship that most loving fathers hold with their daughters. There is no equal. Like most fathers, I had such high hopes and dreams. Those opposed to my decision can say that there’s no possible way I could know this relationship will fail. I know. And when it does, what will those opposed say? They’ll come up with some other reason or justification for its failure. Not what actually caused it.
    I have read hundreds of articles and have researched many articles written by psychologists. Most were well written and had good points. None of which convinced me that this type of relationship is going to work out.
    She isn’t the first to bring this into our family. There was another. It was tolerated and nothing was said out loud against it. The elders only said through whispers that it was a shame, that she can do so much better. When it ended, there was a genuine sense of relief from the entire family. Especially her Mother and Father.

    • Thank you for your comments Mark! I’ll be honest and say that I am saddened to hear that you have decided to disown your daughter. However I fully acknowledge that each and every instance and situation (and people for that matter) are different. Ultimately, we must all forge our own paths. Parents and family are important, but sometimes we need to go through the full cycle of an experience; from the decision to embark down a path, experience its success or failure, and then live through the consequences. Even so, it is sad that in the name of political correctness, we gloss over the very real remnants of racism and racist thinking. We do not live in vacuums. We cannot escape what we are. The only variable is how well the individuals involved can cope. Whatever may happen Mark, be open to the fact that each day brings a new opportunity. The situation today may be quite different 1, 2 or 10 years from now. Sometimes we need to close doors, but rarely do we need to weld them shut. I wish nothing but happiness for you, your daughter, and your family. Have a great Thanksgiving!

  • Lstan

    “A White man who hangs up a picture of Pamela Anderson is not accused of
    having a fetish for buxom blondes. Likewise, a man that has a preference
    for the body and features of Black women shouldn’t be labeled as having
    a fetish or of being shallow.” my goodness the ignorance. firstly-the author needs to look up what “fetish” means and why it really is a bad thing to fetishize PEOPLE. secondly-the stereotyping-especially in regard to the “we are all human” aspect-not all people of a particular race are going to have the same features because, guess what, they are not all the SAME. i dont think your articles got censored because they are controversal, they got censored because you dont know what the hell you are talking about!

    • That is your opinion. Obviously, there are others who disagree with you. But thanks for taking the time out to share your feelings. 🙂

    • Amanda

      Oh so it’s okay if a person writes a message to me on Facebook or otherwise telling me how much he wants an obedient Korean wife is okay? Or that mixed babies are so sexy. Is it okay for them to think about having sex with my children when I have them and they’re newborns? Good grief.

  • Rachel Ahuruonye

    Good article, covers most if not all relevant points.

    • Thank you Rachel for stopping by & commenting; glad you enjoyed!

  • Me

    I noticed this is an old article but I decided to post anyways. I am Hispanic and married to a white man. His family sees me as aggressive and feel they have to be cautious with what they say in front of me. I try to tone it down sometimes but most of the times I don’t even notice I am being “aggressive”. I am honestly tired of it because I am not a violent person. I am kind and loving. I just vividly express myself. I can’t fight it. All my family is the same way I am. I hate this situation.

    • Asanta

      Many women in professional fields such as tech report the same comments from their white peers. Especially in the case of hispanic and black women it is reported that white peers often tell them to ‘calm down’ or to ‘not be so aggressive’ and ‘angry’. It seems to be an extremely unfortunate and ignorant problem in our society. Hopefully your husband’s family will see past their bias perceptions..stay strong!

      • Good point Asanta! I’ve had (White) people ask me to “calm down” or “if I was angry”. I’m far from an angry/excitable person! I haven’t been in a physical fight since 3rd grade. I’m always incredibly perplexed when someone asks me this. What do I do to give you the impression that I’m angry? I’m not. Perhaps they just can’t see past my skin color. It’s mind boggling!

  • Daniel Black

    #1 – Yourself. Been dating
    interracially for 20 years.

    #2 – Family. My boys are
    beautiful strong young men. They are active in the community and are great
    leaders. One is on the path of being a city police officer and the other a
    military officer.

    #3 – The Public. The only
    issue I ever had was a funny stare in 2000 at a Tennessee gas station.

    #4 – The Minority
    Community. Not an issue.

    #5 – Other Interracial
    Couples. Not an issue.

    #6 – Stereotypes. People
    are free to think what they want. Doesn’t phase me.

    #7 – Fetish vs.
    Attraction. Love

    #8 – Educating. I taught
    my kids something more important; how to be go citizens and serve their

    #9 – Making a Statement.
    Childish to think people would do this.

    #10 – Know Your Ultimate
    Desires. Done.

  • Lynn Haney

    I’m in an interracial relationship. When speaking of my fiance I only say his name. It never occurred to me everyone assumed he was white. I put a picture of us on my desk and was asked who he was over and over. Told I didn’t look like the type! I responded Type to what love unconditionally? I didn’t know there was a look……

    • Wow, people have no censor sometimes! Sorry you had to deal with such ignorance. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your personal experience here 🙂

  • Amanda

    Thanks for this article. I didn’t read it in entirety, but I would definitely add in-laws if you didn’t already. One thing I have been having a hard time finding is how does an interracial couple handle chronic unemployment? Because statistically and in actuality, black men have more of a record to deal with than any other race, which stunts their ability to find and keep jobs. I know that my boyfriend tries, but he’s usually LIFO (last in first out). Even as the breadwinner, our combined income doesn’t even meet income minimums for home ownership through special programs. When you consider that the #1 cause of divorce is financial pressure and you’re already dealing with difficult in-laws and different personalities, it all feels somewhat overwhelming. It would be great if there were some type of support group for this sort of thing.

    • Amanda

      I also wanted to add that my bf and I both get tired of people trying to politicize our relationship or censoring our words. When I say “interracial relationship,” people correct me by saying “a relationship.” Well, if I said “a relationship,” whatever story I’m telling that required me to clarify what type of relationship I’m talking about, wouldn’t make sense. Freedom of speech much?

      • Interesting point Amanda. I agree that it is rude for people to discredit the “interracial” aspect of interracial relationships. It is just like discrediting someone’s race. The fact is that being an interracial couple does impact the relationship….both in positive and negative ways. There is no denying that.

    • Yes Black men do face significant societal challenges when it comes to employment. There is no easy answer. Perhaps (and this is not always possible), your boyfriend could find a mentor or talk to someone who is in a good professional position that he would aspire to reach. Talk to them and get some advice and perhaps a reference or a lead. In this way, both Black men and Black women are at a significant disadvantage (professional networking). But the first step is to recognize the problem and then take whatever steps you can to rectify.

  • Heather Fulmore

    When I got married in 2006, we moved into this apartment complex where we still live.What happened bugs me to this day.I told my husband to choose another place. I knew another lady here who attended the same church as we did. After I finished unpacking a month later, I realized that one of my antique candle holder was missing.Then I couldn’t find the complete sets to my wine glasses,two were missing,my antique Christmas drinking glasses, two of each set,some kids’ books, two telephones,new smoke alarm.You know what? I hate South Florida.People here were more tolerant of mixed couples in the 80s and early 90s.I know it because I worked at a preschool and saw mixed couples 5 days a week bringing their kids to school.I never had a problem that big or lost that much.The maintenance man did it because no one else had a key. I asked my Caucasian female friend if anyone ever removed anything from her apartment. She said no. The thing about missing items,(vintage) they are irreplaceable. Items get discontinued and the stores stop selling them or the businesses close for good.I never found some of those things brand new again.They next problem was my flowerpot went missing.A year later I saw it behind the behind our building with my missing poinsettia in it. They got rid of one of the original pots. I hate to say it but the Spanish guy who was one of the last remaining of the trouble-making noisy group, he broke a branch off my plant each day after I put it back in front of my door.The police officers were upset with what I went through.They told me call them back if I had anymore problems in place.The manager said that she wasn’t responsible for stolen items.I put my initials on my items.I do not think that it was a random break in.The people who lived upstairs were friends with the maintenance guy.When they had visitors, they always took my husband’s parking spot.I lost faith in humanity after that. It’s a good thing that some of my stuff is still at my mom’s house. In my hometown, an interracial family is not a big deal. I decided I was gonna get married because I knew that God sent this person to me. I missed a chance to be happy before.I don’t know what was wrong with my new neighbors. The only guy who never asked me out before was a Chinese guy. when I was growing up, I wasn’t aware of color differences.

  • Shona, read up

    “Sadly, the minority community will label those who date outside of their race as “sellouts”.”

    It makes perfect sense actually. Given the historical (and current) context of racial power dynamics since the beginning of European colonialism/imperialism. Then again I see that you work in real estate, and the racial dynamics at play in that field are almost never discussed so…

  • Grace

    One part of your article really concerned me. I am in a relationship with an African American man who also has Native American ancestry. We are in our early 40’s and both his parents and mine were raised in a racially charged environment where school integration was a hotbed issue. His younger brother is married to a Caucasian, and his previous spouse (son’s mother) was Filipino. I am Caucasian. While I have little to no interest in my parents’ opinion of my life choices, his mother is in her 70’s and is not well. He tells me that he keeps me separate from his family because his mother is racist and he doesn’t want to upset her, at her age. He has expected me to break up with him at various times due to this issue. I have separate holiday celebrations with him and his son and he has a different holiday schedule with his family. In some regards I totally respect the way he honors his mother. He says that it was difficult to deal with the racism with his ex-wife and he doesn’t want to have to deal with it or for me to have to go through it. However, your article points out that keeping a partner separate from family might mean that it is a fetish instead of a relationship. I’m not sure what to think. My white children and his bi-racial child play together well and we hang out with one another in this way often, but I’ve never met any of his other family members, nor has he met mine. We have been together for ten months. I am in love with him. Yet, if this is not a real relationship, I have to consider that as well. A friend of mine told me recently that I should break up with him so he doesn’t “have to choose between his mother and me”. I have been content to let him keep everything separate in the way he wishes, but now I am beginning to have some doubts, especially after reading your take on what it means when a man will not mix his girlfriend with family.

    • Grace

      I just wanted to add that my boyfriend is a highly educated man and I am a highly educated woman. As a result, our attraction has multiple facets. We are attracted to one another intellectually, physically, emotionally, and share spirituality as well. He has often told me that these other facets of our relationship are very attractive to him, as they are to me. I’m not sure, given these elements that it can simply be a fetish. What do you think?

      • Hello Grace. Wow that’s tough. Now I’m not a relationship expert. I talk about generalities. In real life each situation is different. Your boyfriend could honestly have your best interests at heart with his actions. Although there is some sign that he sees it as causing you stress (you mentioned that he ‘expected you to break up with him’…). From what I see, my concern is that he is using his mother as an excuse to not fully embrace the relationship. His mother can live for 1 more year or 20. Would things really be different if she were out of the picture? Ultimately it is a ‘what if’ scenario though. Your current situation is what you need to deal with. Only you can answer how long you can be ok with things the way they are.

        Thank you for stopping by and leaving your comment. I wish you the best of luck and happiness. 🙂

  • Daniel

    Thanks to E-mail:dr.mac@yahoo. com…for helping me get my wife back…